The Way I Used to Be by Amber Smith | CRINGE CRINGE

Title: The Way I Used to Be
Author: Amber Smith
Pages: 384 pages
Release Date: March 22nd, 2016
Source: Finished copy from Simon & Schuster
Genre: Young Adult, Contemporary
Rating: 2/5 stars

Eden was always good at being good. Starting high school didn’t change who she was. But the night her brother’s best friend rapes her, Eden’s world capsizes.

What was once simple, is now complex. What Eden once loved—who she once loved—she now hates. What she thought she knew to be true, is now lies. Nothing makes sense anymore, and she knows she’s supposed to tell someone what happened but she can’t. So she buries it instead. And she buries the way she used to be.

Told in four parts—freshman, sophomore, junior, and senior year.

Buy it now!

Goodreads | Amazon | Barnes & Noble

**I received a copy from the publisher to review. All opinions are my own**  

Warning: This book talks about rape, sex, drugs and vulgar language

The Way I Used to Be discusses the effect of one tiny moment on the life of a young teenage girl. It is as an important book as ever, especially in this day and age. Books can only do so much to teach us about these types of real life situations, which you should pray never happens. Although this book is of ground-breaking importance, sadly I did not enjoy it as much as I thought I would. 

In the beginning of Eden's freshman year in high school, she is raped by her brother's best friend, Kevin Armstrong. It happens when she is asleep. She doesn't know it's happening until he's inside her room and on top of her. The details are excruciating. The next morning, she doesn't do anything about it. More like she can't do anything about it. In that moment, she's powerless. And what's worse is after that traumatic occurence, she tells no one. She keeps it sheltered inside of her for the next few years. She lets it slowly chew her up from the inside.

Eden's world didn't just capsize. She let her secret change her entire future. From sleeping with random guys, smoking joints, drinking illegally and bombing her SATs, Eden knew her life was in disarray. She enjoyed it. She wanted distractions, so she could never be reminded of what happened that night.

To say that I didn't like the main character would be an understatement. I felt bad that she had to experience what no person in the entire world should ever go through. Rape is fucked up. It was unfair what happened to her, but I couldn't help hating her for what she decided to do about it. She didn't tell anyone because she thought no one would believe her. And one little shred of me understood where she was coming from because in the moment, she was embarrassed and probably scared that her rapist would come after her. But that didn't extinguish the fact that not telling doesn't fix anything. In fact, it let her demons win. This one decision of the main character set me off through the entire story. I really didn't agree with the story's direction. I thought it gave off a really bad message as a means to say that not telling was okay and a better option. I didn't like that at all.

Eden was unbelieveable. She wasn't what I was expecting. I'm in no way saying I didn't like her character because I didn't understand her and what happened to her. I will never, in a billion years, be able to understand her because what happened to her never happened to me. I will not try to understand because then it'd be like crying at a stranger's funeral.  I can't dismiss the fact that Eden blamed her parents for not realizing that she was upset. She blamed her brother for having loyalties with Kevin. She blamed Maya, her best friend, because she couldn't be the kind of friend who would know immediately that she was in trouble. I didn't like the main character, but I don't think I was supposed to like her. I was supposed to understand her story and see how such a tragic event could potentially change someone's entire life.

(Section below is a spoiler but is still part of my review. Read at your own risk. Highlight to read)

It's crazy because if the cops never came to question Eden about Kevin in the first place, she would have kept it inside of her for god knows how long. I think the whole part about the cops coming over to question Eden was such a plot insert! According to Eden's personality and character she would have kept that inside of her till the day she died. I hate to say this, but the plot kind of forced it out of her. 

An emotionally-gripping story, yet I was fuming at the main character. She was infuriating! Her conversations with other people were cringe-worthy in the terms of being totally awkward and embarrassing. In some ways this book is the ugly, realistic truth about the aftermath of something so horrible. I had many qualms with this one but it doesn't erase how this book made me feel emotionally. Many authors stray from writing about 'sensitive' topics, but The Way I Used to Be took a brave step into the unknown.  

I see a lot of people praising this book for the incredible message or the character growth, but I just wasn't feeling any of that. If anything, I was more annoyed at this book than satisfied. I will never understand what happened to Eden, but I think the attempt the author took to try to understand was not the right way to go. 

Ink and Bone by Rachel Caine

Title: Ink and Bone 

Author: Rachel Caine 

Pages: 352 pages 

Published: July 7th, 2015 

Genre: Fantasy YA 

Source: ARC from Penguin 

Rating:

In an exhilarating new series, New York Times bestselling author Rachel Caine rewrites history, creating a dangerous world where the Great Library of Alexandria has survived the test of time... 

Ruthless and supremely powerful, the Great Library is now a presence in every major city, governing the flow of knowledge to the masses. Alchemy allows the Library to deliver the content of the greatest works of history instantly- but the personal ownership of books is expressly forbidden. 

Jess Brightwell believes in the value of the Library, but the majority of his knowledge comes from illegal books obtained by his family, who are involved in the thriving black market. Jess has been sent to be his family's spy, but his loyalties are tested in the final months of his training to enter the Library's service. 

When he inadvertently commits heresy by creating a device that could change the world, Jess discovers that those who control the Great Library believe that knowledge is more valuable than any human life- and soon both heretics and books will burn. 

Buy it now!

Goodreads | Amazon | Barnes & Noble 

**I want to thank Penguin for an advanced galley of this book**

The synopsis of this book reminded me of Bradbury's classic novel, Fahrenheit 451 with the idea of knowledge (aka books) being forbidden in the hands of an individual person. I loved Fahrenheit 451 and it was my favorite of all the books I was forced to read throughout the school year. It was a dystopian novel that takes place in the future, as this one is now. The authority of this library kind of reminded me of the power of the Catholic Church and the Pope in history. Sorry, just bringing up lessons from Global. 

Sadly but surely, I could not get into this book at all. About 180 pages in, I would stop in between chapters and try to recall what was going on in the past few chapters. After recalling the plot of Fahrenheit, I concluded that this book did not have an original plot and was kind of similar. I was still excited and hyped to read this book because I enjoyed Fahrenheit, which was mentioned before.

The book follows the main protagonist Jess. It starts out with Jess trying to smuggle books for his father because the Great Library forbids the society from having personals books that are not under the consent or knowledge of the library. Basically this sounds exactly like the Roman Catholic Church and how you couldn't read a bible unless it was from the Pope or in the Church. The problem with this is that things can be altered and changed and the people in the society wouldn't even know it! Jess' family, I guess, is enraged by this and feels that people should have their right to owning books and plus it makes good money! Jess himself, though, loves to read and usually sneaks a couple of moments of reading when on the job. His father ends up telling him to compete for a spot at the Great Library.

I hope I'm not confusing you guys with my full explanation of the plot because this book was so confusing at times! I can deal with a fantasy book that has complex and planned twists and turned, but not a book that attempts to be 'intricate' and doesn't succeed.

The characters fell flat for me in this book. Rachel Caine is the author of the infamous Morganville vampires series, which some of my friends have seriously loved. Jess was a booklover, which I could totally relate to but other than that, he had no other shining personalities and highlighted qualities. Jess was like the only character with a 'soul', or in other words, with substance!!! At times, I felt like he was the only character in this book. Well actually, his father was kind of an asshole, so does that count??

And, of course, you probably guessed that I didn't get as far as the romance parts. It was a YA book though so I suppose it had to have a great romance aspect.

This is my first Rachel Caine novel so just because I didn't like this specific book, doesn't mean I won't like any of her others and that you won't like it either. Take this in consideration because whenever I don't like novels 100%, there are so many others that do. I also consider this book as historical fiction, so it was something different.

Did you enjoy Fahrenheit 451 and are looking for a book with a similar dynamic and plot? Check out Ink and Bone by Rachel Caine! 

Shadow and Bone by Leigh Bardugo

Title: Shadow and Bone 

Author: Leigh Bardugo 

Pages: 368 pages 

Published: June 5th, 2012

Genre: Fantasy, YA 

Rating: 

Surrounded by enemies, the once-great nation of Ravka has been torn in two by the Shadow Fold, a swath of near impenetrable darkness crawling with monsters who feast on human flesh. Now its fate may rest on the shoulders of one lonely refugee. 

Alina Starkov has never been good at anything. But when her regiment is attacked on the Fold and her best friend is brutally injured, Alina reveals a dormant power that saves his life- a power that could be the key to setting her war-ravaged country free. Wrenched from everything she knows, Alina is whisked away to the royal court to be trained as a member of the Grisha, the magical elite led by the mysterious Darkling.

Yet nothing in this lavish world is what it seems. With darkness looming and an entire kingdom depending on her untamed power, Alina will have to confront the secrets of the Grisha... and the secrets of her heart.

Shadow and Bone is the first installment in Leigh Bardugo's Grisha Trilogy.

Buy it now! 

Goodreads | Amazon | Barnes & Noble 

Many blogger friends and booktubers have fallen in love with this series and it was only a matter of time before I would pick it up and read it. On a bargain sale I was able to snatch up the first book and quickly get started on it, with my summer vacation approaching. My bar of expectations was super high for this book, all things considered, and I was basically expecting this book to be the fast-paced fantasy read that everyone was talking about, in the level of Throne of Glass. But let's jump into the review before I give too much away. 

The book follows Alina, an orphaned teenage girl who's only grown up beside her best friend Mal. The two of them are inseparable and Alina knows she has more than just friendly feelings for him. It's obvious because she gets jealous every time a gorgeous Grisha dwells on Mal's face for too long. It's not until their group is attacked by hungry volcra does Alina discover her true and untapped power inside of her-- she is a Sun Summoner, one that could bring light to dark days and destroy the Shadow Fold forever. But with this great power, she's got a lot of people out for her head or to control her. You never know who you could trust with that kind of power even if you think you know. 

Overall, this plot reminded me of Red Queen by Victoria Aveyard and some version of Rebel Belle remix by Rachel Hawkins. It just wasn't so unoriginal and awkward at times, but it was still a great story. I think the way Leigh Bardugo started the book was an interesting take and decided to infused some tones and elements of true friendship and romance before things got too serious. 

You'll like this book if you're a fast-paced reader that wants your plot to get straight to the point right away. I can recall that being one of my favorite parts-- that there was always action at every corner. But in all honesty, this book just didn't live up to all its hype and didn't impress me much (and it doesn't take much to impress me, at all). 

I have mixed thoughts on Alina. It was either I loved her or I really didn't at some parts of the book. She was a bit of a whiner, but then again I could definitely see her brave and tenacious characteristics sticking out on the sides. I didn't think of Alina as a strong character, but more of a weak one with not much of a development, but since this is a three book series, there is no doubt in my mind that the author will try to change Alina's mannerisms. 

I felt that in this certain book, the protagonist was the most interesting character. The Darkling was our protagonist and I felt like he was so wonderfully crafted. Devious, controlling, manipulative-- these are all the traits I look for in an enthralling character. And he did stir up some heavy emotions. I really really enjoyed his place in the book. 

No slut-shaming here but if my crush that I'd grew alongside by was at home while I was living in a palace, I wouldn't kiss the hottest guy there like. Like c'mon Alina, seriously? Did you really just kiss him? The romance in here was weak, to say the least, but I do like myself a juicy love triangle between two conflicting characters. 

Alina went back and forth between Mal and the Darkling, and I kind of hated that! Romance does not get serious in this book but it is something that stirs up the conflict. My words and thoughts for this book are just really sparse and I find that I can't have a full length discussion about it. Oh wells, I really hope I like the rest of the series! 

Going into this series with high expectations was probably not the best way to proceed, and I ended up being disappointed since it wasn't as fantastic as most readers have claimed. I will be continuing with the series as I've already purchased the second book (good going, Alex!!) and to see if this series gets any better. Thanks for sticking around for this review!